Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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