I wanna bring you to show and tell
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
