The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
