love makes seman taste better
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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