that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
True strength comes from lack of pants
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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