Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
FUCK WHALES
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
