I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
