By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
