If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
