How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
