im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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