When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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