The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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