God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
