Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
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i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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