guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
