Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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