I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I pour the whiskey from now on
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
