omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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