I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
