a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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