So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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