it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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