You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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