ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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