It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
