the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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