peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
