I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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