I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
