if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
