You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
