im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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