I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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