u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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