When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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