I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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