I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
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Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
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And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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