I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
