the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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