Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
