I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
