cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
