So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
