You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
