Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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