you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
