I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
