I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
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Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
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If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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