i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
