I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
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At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
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cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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