Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm always down for nudity.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
