Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
