May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
