we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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