He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
