just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
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he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I think I have vodka in my lungs
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
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A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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