She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
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