Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
